Last weekend I drove a transit van into central London, and then back to Brighton. Now I haven’t driven much at all over the past six years and am not the most confident of drivers. The last time I drove I sadly drove into a little bird now known as ‘the deceased Speckled Jim’, it was really horrid. So when my boyfriend asked me to help him with his work, and in the temporary absence of his driving licence asked me to be van driver, I was a little apprehensive. I have nightmares about driving, I am often driving from the back seat, or driving but facing the wrong way, or I haven’t got insurance or I can’t remember which peddle does what. The dreams are always a reflection of how I’m feeling in my life at that time.
We arrived at the car hire place and were very quickly thrown into the van, with a queue of impatient cars behind waiting to leave the hire car park. I sat in the drivers seat and I couldn’t remember how to drive. I stalled, I couldn’t put the car into reverse, I was getting beeped. And I just burst into tears. I couldn’t help it, I was living my nightmares, and it filled me with anxiety and panic.
And so a few minutes later we were pulled over at the side of the road, I was still in tears and a little voice in my head suggested I ‘stop crying and pull myself together.’ But I chose to ignore that voice and just accept that yes, I was anxious and insecure about whether I could actually do it, I handed myself over to the fact that I could be rubbish at some things, I didn’t need to pretend that everything was fine all the time. And it was such a relief.
On reflection I realised that by allowing myself to cry and just be with the panic was the best thing I could have done. In the past I might have shouted at my boyfriend and got really angry, trying to control the situation whilst upsetting other people around me. But by just handing myself over to the feelings I was experiencing, and then trying again, I actually moved through the anxiety and upset. And so I drove all the way to London and back with no problems at all – all the speckled Jims were safe, and I am just that little bit more confident. Last night I even dreamt I was driving, from the drivers seat, facing forwards, with insurance. I think there is still some work to do here though as I was concerned I hadn’t bought the right ticket for the car park!
