Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a powerful relationship. And by relationship I mean any kind of relationship – friendships, work colleagues, family, partnership. I’ve been thinking about what happens within a relationship when people don’t fully say how they feel or what they think.
Gabor Maté says ‘trauma is a restriction of your authentic self in the present moment.’ So essentially, if we have relationships in our lives where we can’t say how we feel and what we think we are causing ourselves trauma. And Gabor Maté’s further research suggests trauma is what leads us to ill health and addiction.
So we need to have relationships in our lives where we can show up fully as ourselves.
Now this is not to be mistaken with just projecting all your fears and woes onto anyone who will hear it. There is a lot to consider about delivery and what’s actually yours to process rather than projecting onto others. But being able to safely name what’s coming up for you with someone else, particularly when it’s something that’s coming up within that relationship, can be healing, connecting and transformative.
A simple process around this, that I am working on adopting myself looks like the following:
1. Noticing discomfort in your body when it arises (simply noticing it, not doing anything with it)
2. Identifying whether that discomfort is coming up as a result of something someone you have a relationship with has said or done
3. Working out whether what that person has said or done is related to anything historical for you – have you been triggered and reminded of something that happened in the past?
4. If yes to point 3, can you own that and share it with the person (only do so if there is no control or abuse within the dynamic)
5. If no to point 3, identify what the other person may be projecting onto you, and find a way to name it with them in a nonviolent way (again, only do so if there is no control or abuse within the dynamic)
6. If you are on the receiving end of that feedback, try to listen with openness and curiosity, remember you can take away what someone has shared with you and start back again with step 1.
Dynamic relationships aren’t about pushing down your feelings and experiences in order to make things feel smooth. Dynamic relationships are about creating safety so that both parties can express themselves, and grow and evolve through the relationship. Dynamic relationships are about vulnerability, and sometimes vulnerability can be saying that you’re offended or annoyed or hurt by the other person, but trusting that if the relationship is worth its salt it will be able to handle that kind of conversation.
This kind of work is hard. Personally it’s something that I am still trying to master, and I think it might be a lifelong lesson. But, I know that in this one precious life I want to do all I can to connect deeply and authentically with people, and feel well and authentic within myself.
With love as always, Hannah and Team Bird
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash