I have been contemplating the idea that everything is both good and bad for some time. At first, the idea felt a bit weird and alien. Surely there is a way to achieve the perfect home, perfect work, perfect income, perfect social life and perfect family situation, and when we arrive there that perfection remains constant and unwavering? Surely there’s a way for everything to be good always? That’s the belief I’ve been unconsciously holding for the past 37 years.
Until recently I started thinking about the idea that maybe, every single thing we experience is both good and bad.
Living in rented accommodation: Good – I don’t have to pay for the boiler when it explodes. Bad – I never see the rent money I pay each month again.
Being self employed: Good – total freedom and the opportunity to do impactful work that I enjoy. Bad – scary ups and downs in income and security.
Staying in the UK for holidays: Good – exploring new places and enjoying the richness of British wildlife. Bad – the weather.
Endings of things always have good and bad points, existing relationships always have good and bad points, job roles, the places we live, the books we read, the conversations we have always have good and bad elements to them.
And when we lean into and accept that, we realise that A. There is no ‘nirvana’ that we need to get to, we can let go of the ‘race’ to achieving perfection. B. We haven’t done something ‘wrong’ if we’ve made a decision and it isn’t completely wonderful. And C. We don’t need to radically and immediately abandon things if they don’t feel 100% brilliant.
This of course is not to say that if something consistently makes us feel low or down we shouldn’t make a substantial change. But if you’re anything like me, catastrophising when things feel the smallest bit off can be really easy to do. In those moments I can find myself thinking I MUST MOVE TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY IMMEDIATELY, or I HAVE TO RUN 5000 MILES, or I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO BUY A HOUSE IN THIS VERY MOMENT. When really maybe all I need is a mini break, or maybe I need to get up and have a bit of a stretch, or perhaps it’d be helpful to move my furniture around. Maybe it’s more about recognising in those moments that I’m registering a bad part of a situation and that nothing huge needs to change, I’m just registering what’s not perfect with a particular thing.
I find now that when I respond to a question like ‘how are things with X or Y’ with ‘well, it’s good and bad’, it feels lighter and less dramatic and definitive. I feel like I am reminding myself that everything is evolving and organic and changing and I can choose with everything to acknowledge the ‘bad’ and celebrate the ‘good’.
Life isn’t black and white, it’s complex and rich and we are here to witness and explore all of it.
W
Photo by lucas wesney on Unsplash