For twenty days from mid December 2023 to mid January 2024 I had radiotherapy treatment. Although it wasn’t quite as brutal as chemotherapy, it was still rough, and exposing, and took the wind out of my sails.
My radiotherapy treatment was preventative, I didn’t necessarily have to have it. It was an ‘insurance policy’ to hopefully prevent the little monster from spreading to other parts of my body. Some days in the wind and rain on my way to my next appointment, I asked myself ‘what am I doing all of this for?’ Not in an ‘I might as well give up’ way, but in an honest, curious way; what, in this one precious life am I putting my body through this shit for?
As I asked myself that question I looked up to see a row of trees in the park with the deepest red-brown leaves rippling in the wind. And I thought, that, that right there is what I’m doing this for. That, and putting a new record on my record player, that and belly laughing with a friend, that and heave-crying watching a movie (thank you All Of Us Strangers), that and falling in love, that and feeling the sun on my face, that and deep breathing, and eating gorgeous food, and seeing new places, and hearing the birds tweet, and cold plunging in the sea, and smelling flowers, and watching dance performances and singing while driving.
All of it. I’m doing it to continue experiencing the world. I’m doing it so I can keep filling my soul. I’m doing it to feel wholly, fully, truly alive.
I realised at that moment that it’s all right there in front of me. Ready to be felt and experienced. Soul fuelling life is everywhere when you start to look for it, when you invite it in. And in a weird way I can actually thank cancer for reminding me to do so.
With love as always, Hannah and Team Bird