For some reason, I’ve held a belief for years that I am responsible for other peoples emotions. I have been called a ‘charmer’ in the past because I have developed an ability to decipher where someone is at emotionally, and then respond and react in ways that help them to relax and open up.
Writing that triggers an inner gremlin, ‘oh so you’re a human whisperer now are you Hannah?!’ I am not a human whisperer, I regularly get it wrong when I’m hyper vigilantly assessing how everyone in the room is feeling. But, I have an internalised sense of responsibility that I must do all that I absolutely can to attempt to make others feel ok.
This is highly problematic. Sometimes when I deliver group work, the sense of responsibility I put on myself to ensure everyone is ok is overwhelming, I have had panic attacks mid delivery, I’ve practiced so much that I am worn out before I even begin a session. Furthermore, I’ve had multiple relationships (some call me the break up queen) that have ended for various reasons, but one big reason is that I over care-take, I absorb the other persons’ feelings and spend my days reacting and responding in ways that I hope will make them feel ok.
It sounds nice, and kind and caring. But in truth, it is actually people pleasing. It’s actually, really all about me, and my fear. When we people please our aim is to make others feel ok, so that we feel ok. ‘If this person is feeling good then I am safe and well’, ‘if this person is feeling good then I have done a good job to make it so and therefore I am worthy and enough.’
I’ve realised after years of approaching situations in this way, that people pleasing/ taking too much emotional responsibility/ over care-taking does not work. I am actually not responsible for other adult’s emotions. I do have a responsibility not to purposefully make them feel bad, I have a responsibility to not be unkind, but the only emotions I am responsible for are my own. Of course, in the case of children and animals, we have more responsibility, but in adult to adult relationships we are only responsible for staying in our own lane.
This realisation has been liberating for me. I feel more energised. I am better at delivering group sessions. I am noticing that when I stay in my own lane in 1:1 human connections there’s more room for fun and laughter and creativity in conversations. I’m noticing also that I have more motivation to try new things, I’m tending to my own needs, I’m exploring the world and all it has to offer again.
I think I might be venturing into the world of true adult to adult living. I’m finally growing up emotionally. It’s taken 40 years, but I think I might just about be getting there.